This is a really long post, sorry- it's been a long time since I updated... time flies when you're abroad trying to get everything done you want to get done... so much still left for me to see that I haven't seen!
God puts us in places we don't always want to be... or God puts us in situations we don't want to have to deal with in order for us to address whatever it is we might be avoiding...
I want to be in Rome, but I want to be in Auburn at the same time...
I had a really hard time deciding whether or not I would come to Rome because of a fear that I would fall to sin or temptations I didn't know how to deal with... For example, there is the temptation not to seek out a church because I'm in a strange place where people don't speak my language... the temptation to get caught up in my schoolwork and not make time for God since there isn't anyone to keep me accountable on the trip- which has proven to be something I've fallen on, I get busy then too tired, but then there are days where I'm filled with the Lord's presence, and a desire to get in His word... And there are times that I feel alone (but I know that I am not- God's right here with me) and at times I feel like a bad person (previous post) but then when I go to the Lord, I always feel so much better! I don't understand why I allow a gap to ever form between my and the Lord! Anyways I'm here now...
I also feel like I'm incapable sometimes, but that's where I have to remind myself that I must lean on God- His strength, not mine, Jesus is the only one that has lived a blameless life and not succumbing to Satan's temptations... I feel like I am failing God in so many ways... There's a lot of emotional turmoil going on inside me right now- as you can probably tell, and a lot of this is because I'm tired... Every time I see the portrayals of Jesus' crucifixion, tears come to my eyes, I'm the one that caused His death! Me, a wretched sinner, is going to be an hier alongside Jesus! How can it be? My human mind doesn't allow my comprehension of this... I feel so bad for the pain that I've caused and still cause God even today when I let Him down, or disappoint Him...
I don't know what to think or do right now... I miss my family, my friends, my Church... I also know that I haven't been praying enough, or spending enough time in the word, which causes a gap from being close to God, but it is easily taken care of by making time to meet with Him... there is so much to do here that I've been making the choice to go and do rather than getting in the word, which I feel is putting Him second- this is really embarrassing to admit- and of course I feel like I'm doing too little and my classmates think that I'm an overzealous Christian- I'd like them to meet the women in my life that are such role models in their spiritual walks for me and who I feel have a desire to know the Lord the way that I do... I'm not the only Christian that is gung ho for Jesus!
There's a lot of negativity around... It's hard not to give into the pettiness, and when I do it's when I'm weak because I haven't been delving into God's truth enough... The atmosphere is wearing on my normally happy go lucky style... I don't feel like anyone here understands, and people don't like my positivity- it makes them feel uncomfortable and stressed out and exhausted... it's really hard- I don't want to change, but I feel like I should because I'm bothering those around me, which I never want to be in the way or cause problems... I don't know why it's hard to be happy or positive because we have sooooo much to rejoice over! there are so many things that God has blessed us with~!!!
I don't want to concern myself with the things of this world, but I definitely allow them to sometimes... God is all that matters- which is why I'm so upset with myself that I've been putting my spiritual walk on the back burner so far since I've been here- which is what I was afraid of, and yet I'm still doing it... There are good intentions of making the choice to be around my classmates because I want my them to see God through me so that God can use me to work on their hearts, so they might know the joy, peace, righteousness, friend, comfort, etc. that I have found in the Trinity...
God has accomplished so many incredible and wonderful things in this world, and I trust that He will continue to do so...
I need to listen.......
